Never Steal Wolf's Coffee in the SAS
by Fearlee
Summary: Eagle decides to see what happens when he steals Wolf's coffee. I swear, he's going to end up in the emergency room one of these days...
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks to Marisje, I came up with this. I know you didn't suggest this exactly, but when you suggested never give Eagle coffee/sugar then mentioned Wolf for a different idea, I came up with never stealing Wolf's coffee. Thanks a bunch to Marisje and the people who have been reading and reviewing!**

**Disclaimer: *sigh* someday perhaps I'll own Alex Rider, but for now, I can only dream...and write this stuff.**

* * *

The chefs at Brecon Beacons put up with a lot.

_They _were the ones who soldiers complained to about the food. _They _were the ones who washed all the dishes of the slop they served. _They _were the ones who were under _orders_ to serve such crappy food.

Yet all of this paled in comparison to when a fierce lone man stalked into the kitchen every morning and growled, "Coffee."

They all dove for the water they already had boiling, grabbed a mug, hastily poured in the coffee mix, and stirred it as fast as they could. When the man left, they would all breathe a sigh of relief.

Another morning they had lived to see.

The man, of course, was none other than Wolf; leader of K-unit. Fox, Snake, Eagle, and Cub all knew that their leader needed his coffee. Yet they didn't know what he would be like without the brown liquid every morning.

* * *

"I'm bored." Eagle proclaimed one morning.

It was a rare moment of peace in K-unit's hut. Well, it was peaceful…until the cheerful soldier opened his mouth.

Wolf, Fox, Snake, and Cub all groaned simultaneously. Even though the last time Eagle had said that they had all had a boatload of fun, none of them wanted to do anything at the moment.

"Is it physically impossible for you to be quiet for two minutes?" Fox demanded. Eagle tilted his head to the side thoughtfully, "I'm quiet when I'm sleeping; does that count?"

"You snore, so no." Snake said without looking up from the medical book he was reading. "I don't snore!" Eagle said in a slightly outraged tone. Cub resisted the urge to throw something at the man, "You do to, and it's woken us up on numerous occasions."

Eagle was silent for thirty seconds.

"I'm still bored."

Wolf let out a growl and told them, "Eagle, for all the whining you do, I think the mess hall is quieter. I'll see you guys later." With that said, the leader stormed out of the hut. Fox was right: it was impossible for that man to remain quiet.

With the leader gone, the cogs in Eagle's head began turning. His thoughts were like chain links. The first link was simple, and then the next was slightly different, yet still related to the first one. But links would keep forming until the last link was nothing like the first.

So when Eagle suddenly suggested, "Let's steal Wolf's coffee tomorrow morning!" Everybody was completely thrown for a minute. Where on Earth had he picked up that idea?

"You do know," Fox said slowly, "That you'll die if Wolf finds out?" Honestly, did this man have a death wish? Eagle had that insane light in his eyes, "He won't find out! Not if we all work together!"

Snake covered his eyes with a hand, "Eagle, if you value your life, don't. Take. Wolf's. Coffee." Eagle ignored the medic and turned to Cub, "What do you say?"

The youngest member thought long and hard.

He _could_ say that it was revenge for Wolf trying to sabotage him when he first came to Brecon Beacons. And if Wolf found out, Cub could say that Eagle _made_ him do it. Cub pursed his lips; was it really worth it?

"I'm in." He finally said. Eagle grinned his 300 megawatt grin, "Woo hoo! You're the best, Cub!" The soldier turned to the other two uncertain members, "Pleasepleaseplease?" He begged.

Fox and Snake looked at each other, "Well…"

"Pleeeeeaaaaasssseeeeee?"

Snake set down his book, "Fine, I'll help." Everybody looked at Fox. He let out a groan, "Alright, fine; I'll help out. But if we get caught, I'm blaming you, Eagle!"

"Hurray!" The soldier cheered, "Now how are we going to pull it off?"

It took two hours of planning, but finally, the three men and one teen were ready.

* * *

The next morning, everyone in K-unit besides Wolf was up and ready to put their plan into action. Since it had been Eagle's idea, he was the one who had to do the distraction part. And since Cub was the teenage super ninja spy, he was the one doing the most dangerous part. Well, he was doing it _partially_ because he was a teenage super ninja spy...

**_Flashback_**

"So who's going to do that part?" Snake questioned. Eagle shrugged, "I'm already doing phase one, so it's up to you three." Fox, Snake, and Cub all looked at each other.

"NOSE GOES!" Fox shouted. He and Snake quickly put a finger to their noses before Cub could. The three men laughed and Cub groaned, "No fair!" *

**_End of flashback_**

* * *

The chefs were already hard at work. Breakfast was almost ready to be put out, and the water boiling for Wolf's coffee would be used the second the man walked in.

That _would've_ been the plan, except they didn't expect a certain crazy soldier to barge into the kitchens.

Eagle danced around and quickly grabbed a metal pan and a wooden spoon. He banged the two together and was singing something that sounded like the song from Tarzan "Trashing the Camp." *

So while Eagle was making a total idiot of himself, Cub, the teenage super ninja spy, crept in unnoticed through the window. He quickly located the coffee mixture in a cabinet, and quickly began tossing each container out the window; where Fox and Snake caught them.

And just for good measure, Cub poured the boiling water into the sink.

The teen nodded to Eagle and disappeared out the window. Eagle finally bowed, put down the pot and spoon, and ran out the room yelling, "It was nice seeing you all!"

The chefs turned to each other wearing the universally known facial expression for _what-the-hell-just-happened_?

Outside, Fox, Snake, and Cub were shoving the containers of coffee mix into the hole they had dug just beneath the window. They would give the stuff back that night. After all, it would be cruel and unusual punishment to make the chefs go through Wolf's anger for more than one morning.

Once they were done burying the coffee mix, they all walked back in the direction of their hut. It was still a little early, and only some units were starting to get up.

Eagle was prattling on and on about his show in the kitchen when Fox saw the door to K-unit's hut open.

"Crap, Wolf is awake!" Fox hissed, "He'll want to know why we're up early!" Snake and Cub looked like they were ready to come clean and go get the coffee mix. Fox knew that they were going to die from their leader's fury.

But Eagle wasn't giving up that easily.

As scatter-brained as the soldier could be, he could sure think fast when he wanted to.

Eagle noticed that Wolf was yawning as he exited the hut, so his eyes were closed. He had a split second to act. Without giving any warning, Eagle hooked his foot around Cub's ankle and shoved the spy as hard as he could.

Cub gave a surprised yelp before his face became acquainted with the mud of Brecon Beacons. Fox and Snake cast their friend a confused look.

"Cub! What are you doing on the ground?" Eagle shouted cheerfully. Fox saw Wolf look in their direction with a confused look. The leader walked over to them as Cub spat mud out of his mouth.

Eagle dragged the spy to his feet while saying, "I know you're training with us, but getting up _this_ early in the morning? Wouldn't you say that's dedication, Fox?"

"Uh, yeah sure." Fox said distractedly. Wolf came over to them, "What's going on?" He growled. Eagle spoke before anyone else could, "I had to pee really bad, and then as I was coming back from the bathroom, I saw Cub totally _face plant_ right here! Fox, Snake, did you guys see it? It was freaking hilarious!"

Fox and Snake nodded vigorously. They couldn't stop thanking God giving their unit Eagle.

Wolf grunted and walked towards the kitchens.

Cub shook his head like a dog; sending mud everywhere, "Eagle, I'm plain torn between wanting to give you a punch or a hug." Eagle held his arms out expectantly. The teen let out a growl and said, "I'm going to take a shower. Hopefully, I have a clean outfit in the hut." With that said, he stomped away.

Fox and Snake let out their pent up breath, "Eagle, I thought we were going to die. Good thinking there." Eagle rubbed his hands together and grinned wickedly, "The real show has yet to start…"

* * *

"Coffee." Wolf growled as he entered the kitchen.

The head chef leapt for the boiling water…only to find that the kettle was empty. He cast a nervous glance at the leader as he filled it up again, "It'll be just a few minutes." What happened to the other water?

Trying to make it look like he was doing something, the chef opened up the cabinet to get out the coffee mix…only to find that it was completely bare.

"Where's the coffee mix?" He demanded. The other chefs froze and bounded over. It was true; the cabinet was empty.

They all turned to the soldier who had folded his bulging arms across his very muscular chest. _"God have mercy."_ They all begged.

* * *

**There is going to be a second chapter, for those wondering. I try to make these one-shots, but I might occasionally need two chapters to cover it. I've gotten some messages saying that people are putting my other stories on their alert list, but I won't be continuing those...okay, i've been thinking about adding another chappie to the Truth or Dare including H-unit since so many people seem to like that idea. But unless I tell you that I'm continuing, assume that the stories are finished. Thank you for reading!**

**First astrict thingie: I don't know if they have this in England, but here in America, if a group of people really don't want to do something, somebody shouts, "NOSE GOES!" And the last person to touch a finger to their nose has to do the job.**

**Second astrict thingie: The song "Trashing the Camp" Is from a movie called Tarzan. I do not own that song or the movie. I figured Eagle would be the best one to dance around, am I right?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Many thanks to xlivilightx, who informed me how to add a new chapter to a story. Plus, i'm really sorry for the late update. I was out of town for a few days, then I had to fix everything with the chapter because i didn't like where it was going at first, then i had a bunch of questions about how to add new chapters...so yeah, i'm sorry. But here you go!**

**Disclaimer: I own Alex Rider. I'm also a ten foot tall penguin who beat Michael Phelps at the 100m freestyle during the Olympics, and i'm on the verge of solving world hunger and world peace. And whoever thinks that I actually own Alex Rider is about as stupid as the coach who decided to train a ten foot tall penguin for the Olympics. Seriously, i don't own Alex Rider.**

* * *

"Umm, I d-don't know quite how t-to say this," The head chef stammered, "But we're out of coffee mix, and our next shipment of supplies won't come until next week, so…"

Fox, Snake, and Eagle all heard Wolf's roar, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY COFFEE?" Eagle looked like a kid let loose in a candy shop as he snickered, "Oh boy, this is _great_!"* Silence reigned for a few seconds before Wolf stormed out of the kitchens with a ferocious scowl set in place.

The other three members of K-unit quickly started towards the mess hall with their leader. They hoped that Cub's shower would end quickly so Wolf wouldn't be _too_ mad at him for being late.

"So Wolf, I was thinking~" Eagle began. Wolf cut him off with an unintelligible snarl and picked up his pace. Snake made sure Wolf couldn't hear before hissing in Eagle's ear, "Don't press Wolf's buttons if you value your life."

Fox overheard this and he muttered, "I'm already starting to think this is a bad idea…" Snake silently agreed, and Eagle was beginning to realize that today could be their last day on Earth. After all, a very pissed off Wolf was never a good thing.

When the three of them entered the mess hall, they saw Tiger from H-unit approaching Wolf who was already getting food. Fox bounded forward in an attempt to save the SAS man's life. But to no avail, Tiger started talking, "Wolf, our units are scheduled to do target practice and hand-to-hand combat today, so I was thinking that we could~"

"Leave. Me. Alone." Wolf snarled slowly and precisely. Since Tiger was a senior soldier to Wolf, he didn't back off, "What, did girlfriend send you a letter saying that she's breaking up with you? Seriously, get your head in the~"

Wolf's fist met Tiger's mouth with a dull thud. Tiger fell flat on his back with a hand clasped to his jaw. Fox skidded to a halt and helped him up as Wolf walked away, "He didn't have his coffee today." He explained apologetically, "And if you and your unit were planning on training with us today, I would recommend the next time."

Tiger stood up and cast a frown in Wolf's direction, "If anyone else had done that, I'd be beating the crap out of them right now. But Wolf…" Fox nodded, "He's a hell of a lot more intimidating than anyone else."

Fox made another apology before running to get his 'food' (seriously, did the chefs purposely drag it through grease and mud?). Snake and Eagle quickly caught up to him and put some 'food' on their plates.

Wolf didn't acknowledge any of them as they sat down at their table. He simply stabbed at his food with unnecessary force and shoveled it into his mouth. Fox, Snake, and Eagle all had the sense to not say anything.

And that in of itself was a miracle because Eagle usually complained long and loud about the food, and Fox was usually bickering with Snake.

A few minutes later, Cub trudged into the mess hall; hair still wet from his shower. When the teen sat down, Wolf growled, "You're late."

"I wasn't about to go all day with mud caked all over my front." Cub replied with a quick glare at Eagle. Wolf didn't notice the look and said dangerously, "Don't let it happen again. Some spy you are if you can't make it from the bathroom to the hut without tripping."

"Some soldier you are if you fall for a prank by those two." Cub retorted and jerked his head towards Fox and Snake. The three other men in K-unit winced in pity for the teen. If Tiger had received a punch, what would Cub get?

That question was promptly answered when Wolf shoved a bowl of mush into Cub's face. None of them honestly knew what the stuff was supposed to be, but it certainly did a good job of finding its way down the collar of Cub's shirt.

Said teen fought to get the nasty stuff out of his mouth with quite a bit of gagging spitting. Fox, Snake, and Eagle couldn't help snickering at him. Even Wolf broke out of his coffee deprived state to smirk.

But the look vanished quickly, and he stormed out of the mess hall.

Cub snatched Eagle's napkin and attempted to wipe the mush out of his blonde hair, "I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea." Fox cast the teen a sympathetic look, "So am I, Cub. So am I."

* * *

The first training routine K-unit did was target practice.

They were each given a gun, ordered to dissemble, reassemble, and finally shoot the bulls-eye targets that were each at a good distance away.

Wolf, Fox, Eagle, Snake, and Cub all finished the dissembling and reassembling parts at relatively the same time. The instructor gave his routine glare at Cub (who shot instinctively like Scorpia had taught him, and the man plain didn't like the teen for it) and told them to start shooting the targets.

Fox went first, and he received a 90% bulls-eye rate. Eagle followed, and he received a 95% rate. Snake wasn't the best at shooting, but he still managed to get an 88%. Cub got a 96%, and when he smirked at Eagle for beating him, the SAS soldier made a rude gesture with a certain finger while the instructor wasn't looking.

Finally, it was Wolf's turn.

He stepped up to the mark with his gun in hand and completely unloaded on the targets. His first magazine was quickly emptied, and he grabbed the next and rapid fired again.

When the marks were pulled up, the instructor nodded approvingly, "Ninety-nine percent accuracy. I believe that ranks you the number one shooter here." Wolf simply grunted and went about cleaning his gun.

"Damn," Eagle said in awe, "When did you learn how to aim like that?" Wolf turned a murderous glare on the soldier. Since he still had a gun in hand, Eagle decided it would be best to hid behind Snake until the weapon was put away.

After all, coffee deprived Wolf + gun= trip to the emergency room.

* * *

The next training portion was hand-to-hand combat.

The instructor paired them up, and Fox found himself shaking ever-so slightly as Wolf advanced towards him. Jeez, he was a bloody MI6 agent! He'd been shot and he hadn't been nearly as scared as he was now.

Well, humans have a fear instinct for a reason.

Fox tried a quick jab to Wolf's stomach, but the leader's hand lashed out, grabbed Fox's hand, and threw the MI6 operative over his shoulder.

Fox was slammed into the ground; knocking the wind out of his lungs. But before he could react, Wolf grabbed his left arm and twisted it around so Fox was lying on his stomach and feeling like his arm was about to be ripped out of its socket.

"Okay, I think we know who the winner is." The instructor said firmly when Wolf made no moves to get up. Fox groaned as he stood and rubbed his shoulder to restore circulation. He was never ever going to steal his leader's coffee again.

The pairs were mixed up, and soon Wolf and Cub were facing each other.

Having just seen the crap get beaten out of Fox, Cub was much more wary of his opponent. He didn't allow Wolf an opportunity to grab onto a limb and slam him to the ground, and he made sure he kept his center of gravity low.

But Wolf had no such plans to just circle with Cub.

He lunged forward, slammed his weight into the teen, and quickly flipped him around so he was practically sitting on Cub's back.

Alex now knew what it felt like to be hit by a locomotive and to be sat on by an elephant. He fought for breath until the instructor finally noticed that Wolf's fight was already over (since he had to supervise Snake and Eagle's fight first).

Wolf brushed a speck of dirt off his arm, and Cub wheezed as he tried to make sure none of his ribs were broken.

Snake and Eagle also felt the wrath of Wolf, and soon four out of the five members of K-unit were sporting rather large bruises.

* * *

_Later that day…_

"When should we return the coffee mix?" Cub whispered. Snake glanced around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, "Tonight, when the chefs are gone and Wolf is asleep." Fox cast a glare at Eagle, "I hope you're happy. I don't know about you guys, but I'm never doing this again! I thought Wolf was going to rip my arm off and start beating me with it!"

"You think you had it bad?" Cub growled, "Try having an elephant sit on you for a few minutes. I still think he might've bruised a few ribs." Snake cast a quick look of concern at the youngest member and told everyone, "So we'll wait until night. We'll open up the window, someone will go into the kitchen, and then the others will pass the coffee mix inside so the person can put all of it back in its rightful place."

They all nodded at the plan.

Then Eagle frowned and asked, "Who's going to be in the kitchen? If someone happens to go in while the person is inside, then they'll be busted for being out after curfew."

A few seconds of silence went by.

"NOSE GOES!" Fox shouted.

They all whipped their fingers to their faces.

"DAMN IT!" Eagle exclaimed when he poked himself in the eye.

But it was Cub who was last to get his finger to his nose. He groaned, but couldn't help laughing at Eagle; who was muttering strings of curses and had a hand over his left eye.

* * *

Cub eased open then kitchen window.

The room was completely deserted, so he climbed inside. He quickly opened up the empty cabinet from which he had taken the coffee mix.

"Psst!" Snake hissed.* Cub quietly went back over to the window and saw that Fox, Snake, and Eagle finished digging up the coffee mix. The three began passing up the containers as quickly as they could.

Alas, Lady Luck just wasn't on their side.

"What are you four doing?" Wolf asked dangerously. They all froze and turned to look at their leader. He could plainly see the hole in the ground with more coffee mix inside, and he could see the pure deer-in-the-headlights look that just added to the fact that they were guilty.

Eagle held out a container, "Merry Christmas?"

Wolf let out a growl like his namesake and told them, "I will give you exactly three seconds to start running."

Fox, Snake, Eagle, and Cub looked at each other in confusion.

"Three."

Was he serious?

"Two."

The four understood and began to scramble away.

"One."

Fox realized that perhaps Wolf wouldn't come after all of them if he had someone to beat up. Acting as fast as he could, Fox tripped Eagle and ran like a thousand angry wolves were after him. That is, a thousand animal _and_ soldier wolves.

Eagle spat dirt out of his mouth and looked up to find that Fox, Snake, and Cub were gone, and that Wolf was bearing down on him.

"Any last words?"

"…want some coffee?"

* * *

**I dunno, maybe it's just me, but i felt that this chapter wasn't quite up to where it should've been compared to my other stories. Go ahead and inform me if you think so too.**

**First astrict: If you've ever seen Animal House, then you'll know that Flounder says that line.**

**Second astrict: Get it? Snake hissing? Like his codename? Ahhh, i crack myself up...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ta-daa! New chapter! I should get a reward or something, because I never planned on making a third chapter when I started this story. I figured I needed to write about the aftermath, so here ya go. I know it's short, but deal with it.**

**Disclaimer: i don't own Alex Rider.**

* * *

"So let me get this straight." The sergeant said slowly. He was surprisingly calm even though he had caught five people out after curfew.

K-unit and Cub nodded.

"Eagle was sleep walking,"

"Yup."

"Then he crashed into a door,"

"Yeah."

"Fell down a set of stairs,"

"Pretty much."

"And collided into the window; causing it to shatter."

"Uh-huh,"

"And the rest of the unit heard the noise and came to help."

"That about sums it up, sir." Eagle said with a straight face. Said soldier had numerous cuts and bruises littering his face and muscular body (their leader had a lot of repressed anger…)

During his evening rounds, the sergeant had heard some noises that night and came across a nervous Fox, Snake, and Cub, a very beaten up Eagle, and a very stone-faced Wolf.

The sergeant, of course, didn't buy their excuse that they presented. He knew that at least two of them had gotten in a fight. Eh, let them figure it out on their own. From the sadistic look in Wolf's eyes and how the other four looked at their boots, they had probably learned whatever lesson they needed in the first place.

"Alright, back to bed!" The sergeant snapped, "Eagle, go to the infirmary if needed, but no dawdling!"

The five of them nodded quickly and ran back to their hut.

When K-unit and Cub were safely in their beds, Wolf finally asked, "Whose idea was it to steal my coffee?"

"Eagle's." Fox, Snake, and Cub said simultaneously.

"…snitches…"

Wolf let out a yawn, "Alright, then I suppose I've already gotten my revenge. But I'm warning you four: if anybody does something like that again, I won't think before I strangle each and everyone of you, and I won't care if only one of you did it."

"Yes, sir." They all said in a meek tone.

* * *

**So there, that's the end. No more. Done. Finished. I think my next story might have Tom Harris in it, but i go through a process when i write. I plot out most of the story in my head before i even sit down at a computer, so i need time before i put it up. I came up with this story because Marisje gave me a few different ideas, i mixed two together and came up with Wolf's coffee...now thanks to Sarruby, i have a plan. I think i'll name it, "Never Train Tom Harris in the SAS." I don't know where it'll go, but i'm gonna have fun with it! Thanks for reading, and reviewing tells me what's right and wrong.**


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